Early Retirement

Alas, no gold watch awarded for this early retirement.

Tomorrow, after a lifetime of exercising a commendable work ethic, Karen will not be going in to Wells Fargo. Last week, after struggling every day just to make it to the front and coming up short, Karen didn't have the strength to make it to the office. Even on her work-from-home days, she lacked the energy even to log in and answer emails. By Thursday the writing was on the wall and Karen made it official on Friday: she'd be going back on disability and would not be going back to work for, well, probably ever.

It feels right. We waited far too long the first time around for Karen to go on disability. Looking back, I have no idea how she was making it in to the office back in December/January. We didn't wait that long this time: there's just no upside to her pushing herself like that. We are comfortable with this decision.

Which does not mean that we're all that happy about it. While Karen is looking forward to being around the gaggle of misfits that comprise our immediate family, it's hard not to see this as a small defeat. After several months that were largely characterized by an earlier bedtime and the transformation of our bedroom into something that smells eerily reminiscent of my old NYU dorm room thanks to the glory of medical marijuana, the cancer has started chipping away at her life again. It has reasserted itself as a presence in our lives and that pretty much sucks. It is probably here to stay now.

This does not necessarily mean that her meds have stopped working. She's having a PET scan next week that will give us a clearer (and literal) picture on that front. But I'd be lying if I didn't say that there's an undercurrent of dread now. Over the last couple months we've been waiting for the crizotinib to lose effectiveness and her fatigue and occasional difficulty breathing really seem to indicate that we're nearing that milestone. We don't look forward to what lies ahead if that is indeed the case.